Why Star Wars Sucks

Before you get too excited, I was eleven when Star Wars came out, and I loved it. I still do. And The Empire Strikes Back was, and is, even better. I love the more complex plot, the surprise revelation and the dark ending. But it has been downhill since 1980 for the Star Wars series and The Return of the Jedi should have been its merciful conclusion. Now, unfortunately, Attack of the Clones is out, possibly only as an apology for the awful The Phantom Menace. And it still sucks.

Yeah, the ewoks and Jar Jar weren't great, but I like comic relief. I'm also especially sick of all of the repetition in the movies, for example: giant monster almost eats our hero's ship (Empire, Phantom), young pilot shoots the core and blows up improbably poorly designed space station (Star Wars, Jedi, Phantom), people fall down bottomless shafts in poorly designed space station (all except Clones). There are more fundamental story-telling reasons why these movie fail, however.

Sans Han Solo

The simplest reason why the latest films suck is because they don't have Han Solo. Face it, Luke Skywalker is not the star of Star Wars . Who did you want to be when you played Star Wars on the playground? It can't be denied that a good portion of Han Solo's appeal is Harrison Ford, but the character is also the real hero in these movies. Han swoops out of the sky with an All-American "Yeeehaw!" at the climax of Star Wars to defeat Darth Vader, while Luke does nothing more than allow the Force to deliver the coup d' grace to the Death Star. In Empire, it is Han who saves Luke once again on Hoth and who selflessly sacrifices himself for his friends at the end of that picture. Han doesn't have as big a role in Jedi, but then that movie isn't very good either. And he isn't even in Phantom Menace or Clones. Coincidence?

Royalty

The other reason we love Han is that he is just this guy, you know, trying to make his way in a cold and cruel universe. He is Everyman and a scoundrel with a heart of gold. Initially, Luke is also an everyman, and that is why we identify with his boyish wide-eyed innocence in the first movie. We stick with him as he comes of age in Empire, although he is starting to get a bit whiny. Then it turns out that he is really royalty, a blood descendent of a long line, and he becomes difficult to identify with. I strongly disliked the Luke-as-powerful-Jedi in the third movie. Luke's smug self assurance was not endearing.

Then in the Phantom Menace we learn that there is something in the blood (royal blue blood perhaps?) that allows you to tap into the Force. So although we initially loved the everyman that was Luke, now we find that the once universal Force is really only inherited by an elite few. The Force, which we'd all like to access in our imaginations, is not available to you and me, but is instead passed down the royal line and no amount of hard work is going to change that. We've seen the plot where the nobody turns out to be a prince in many stories, but the prince always ends up remaining an everyman, even after the transformation. Not so with the immensely powerful Jedi, who only become more and more arrogant, annoying and insufferable. Suddenly Star Wars isn't about an egalitarian rebellion against a monstrous evil, but is instead some kind of bizarre cosmic joke where we are just pawns. Yes, Johnny, you might grow up to be the President, but you'll never be a Jedi. (Some commentators (here and here) have recently criticized Harry Potter for the same reason: Potter is genetically gifted with a huge inheritance and insider connections. Us poor muggles can never hope to identify with Harry and his ilk.)

Midi-chlorians

So the Force isn't something you or I can have or use. That sucks in and of itself, but it didn't used to be that way. X-wing pilots in the first few movies wished each other luck with "May the Force be with you." The Force is ambiguous, between the you and me, the land, the rock, the trees. It is a mysterious, uh, force that some might call "god" or earth worshipping types might call "Gaia." Agnostics might see it as a nebulous universal spiritual entity. Even atheists can view it in terms of an as yet undiscovered, uh, force of nature. In other words, we can all identify with, and believe in, the Force.

Now we find out it is little midi-chlorians floating around in some people's blood, but not in most of us. What's worse, apparently these midi-chlorians have their own agenda and we are just their pawns. All of the pain and suffering in the Star Wars universe is caused by these little bastards. Apparently, they need balance between Light and Dark, between Good and Evil. And since we've seen into the future, we know the midi-chlorians cause years of war and tens of billions of genocidal murders. The Jedi are the worst of all, because they actively encourage you give yourself over to these midi-chlorians and allow them to work their mysterious plans for the greater good. Well, the midi-chlorians' plans are not mysterious and they aren't good. What could we possibly learn in the next movies that will make this all seem alright?

(Note: Yes, I know, there are convoluted explanations for the midi-chlorians. I don't care - it is still a stupid plot development.)

Star Wars: Chapter VII - The Cure

The only possible way for the next movies to work is for the midi-chlorians to be quietly dropped from the plot as a mistake. I want to suspend my disbelief: TIE fighters roar through the void, faster-than-light is a reality, transporter beams - I can accept all of that. But I want my fantasy to be somewhat consistent and thoughtful.

We know the Clone Wars are going to be about how the midi-chlorians mess up the universe and destroy Anakin Skywalker (he can't live up to his midi-chlorian/Jedi vows). And we know he is going to go on a genocidal rampage (literally 1,000 times worse than the Holocaust) across the galaxy and that he is going to be impossibly (and unbelievably) redeemed on his death bed. We'd have to wait until the seventh movie for the series to get back on track, both chronologically and narratively, but that's not going to happen. Here's the plot I am proposing: Han Solo decides he's had enough of the midi-chlorians, finds a doctor who can get this virus out of the blood and saves the universe. The end.

The Demise of Sci-fi Dynasties - A more general discussion of Star Wars and Star Trek, which both end their runs on Friday, May 13th, 2005. R.I.P.